Lately, it’s been why and how my ex-fiancee and I broke up.
I tell people different things, depending upon how comfortable I am with them, and their relationship to my ex. The nicest version is that we weren’t prepared to live together and discovered compatibility issues we didn’t realize before. The lie that’s closest to the truth is that I tell people we tried and failed at polyamory, and always seemed to be at different places with regards to our interaction.
The truth - the real truth - is that I wasn’t prepared to jump headlong into a lifestyle she’d engaged in long enough to be set in her ways about, and that her ‘version’ of polyamory was really consensual non-monogamy, with her as the “alpha” for every relationship she engaged in.
When she fell in love with one of the guys she was fucking, she pushed me away, and I couldn’t handle giving my all to someone that wasn’t giving back. She filled all her spare time with other people and excluded me from her life unless I specifically asked for her time. (A difficult prospect for someone who is often too timid to ask people to stop engaging in activities that are actively harming him.) Even then, she would break dates to spend time with others or stay at home and do homework. I got petty and jealous. We fought a lot, and badly. My ex withdrew. She broke off our engagement, but said we’d keep trying. I started to come to grips with the loss. I started to withdraw. I became okay with her never having availability for me. I began to fill my free time with social activities. My ex was angry over my prior jealousy and pettiness and so this new dynamic, which was more in line with her original desires, didn’t work.
I fell in love with someone that I was dating. We were very emotionally compatible, and she effortlessly gave me the love I needed from a partner. I withdrew further from my ex. Realizing I was totally slipping away, my ex got petty and jealous. She can’t stand to not be a primary. She hated that I wasn’t home to spend time with her when she didn’t schedule time with someone else. (I would still ask her out, but she never made time, and when she did randomly have time, I was busy.) She hated that I made her ask for my time, since I was now busy with my own social engagements. She needled me constantly about how ‘superior’ her boyfriend was to me (going on about their compatibility, their sexual adventures, the things they did that I couldn’t afford to do with her, talking about meeting his parents and integrating further with his life, about how he has a trust fund and a Ph.D. his parents paid for). At the same time, she disparaged my relationship(s), and my partner(s). My other relationships tapered off, and I began to focus just on who is now my current girlfriend. I forgot why I fell in love with my ex, but I knew that there is and may always be a hole there. Every experience changes us. I began to respond with indifference, even if what she was saying was hurting me.
One day she came to me, telling me I had “won” and that she was breaking down and telling me she needed me. … But I wasn’t playing a game. I didn’t love her anymore. I tried for months, and apparently I failed at even recognizing we were playing a power game. I had stopped participating in whatever form of relationship we had, and fell out of love. Pain had buried any residual good feelings.
The day she came to me to say that she was ready to be emotionally honest, I did something stupid. I held her and cried and told her I missed what we used to have, even while knowing my trust was gone, and we’d never have it again. She thought I was holding her and crying because I wanted her. She made an advance that I rejected, and she felt lied to and betrayed. We had a few more, increasingly bad, interactions after that, but now we can’t even communicate without feeling some sort of hostility. Every comment, even simple ones, are laced with subtle jabs, careless indifference. We are but walls, throwing stones at each other.
I still haven’t flushed it all. Sometimes I’m reminded of things and I catch myself on the sharp, jagged edges of the still-fresh memories.
I don’t miss her, per se, but I miss what I used to think the reality was. I miss how clear it all seemed. I miss that life isn’t so easy anymore. And I miss what could have been.
But… What do you do?
You don’t pass your burden to others, and you keep on, keeping on. Pain and loss don’t stop the clock.
Welcome to the Google Fiberhood. (at Google Fiber Space)
I mean, cool. But it also sort of looks like they slapped some logos on top of an old, dilapidated Blockbuster.
Also, is this the drab filter, or does Kansas City really look like this?
To answer your question: It IS a drab filter. However, that strip mall is dilapidated (it was a gym/failed strip mall before), and it was a grey day there. Under sunlight, that building tends to pop. The blue of the sign is bright, and the building is relatively new red brick.
I started reading Reddit about a month ago and it has changed my perspective about Tumblr.
I have been using my Tumblr to repost amusing/interesting/thought provoking content from others, without actually thinking about what I was posting.
Reddit has managed to cheapen the internet for me, forcing me to realize that I was feeding into what I can only describe as “the stupidity machine.” You know the cycle. Repost content from someone else that aggregates content from other people on tumblr, who have either collected it themselves from Reddit, 9gag, chezburger or a million other sites. The attribution to the original content supplier is almost always stripped away, and the content itself is endlessly reposted to draw the admiration of other chortling idiots.
So, not cool. Looking back, I realize that I’ve only put in one or two posts out of the hundred here that contained anything that consisted of either original content, or added to the content I reblogged from someone else.
I have recently begun a rather savage campaign on FB, unfriending and filtering people who are nothing but content regurgitators. So why on earth would I want the same thing for myself, here?
CHART: Americans didn’t intend to elect a Republican majority to the House of Representatives. But thanks to GOP-engineered redistricting, they did.
Hi Tumblr, it’s me, a slightly older person…
I see a lot of you 20 somethings saying things about how you aren’t going to choose the lesser of two evils and that their policy on important matters are identical so what’s the point they’re both stooges for Wall Street and the Industrial War Complex.
You are right. Kind of.
I know y’all LOVE the 90’s. Me too. And I remember after after eight years of Clinton/Gore, I thought those motherfuckers were the devil. I was soooooooooooo upset with Bill Clinton waving his deregulation wand and his fucked foreign policy that I was all FUCK THE DEMOCRATS and I strongly advocated for Raplh Nader, even though he too didn’t really care about my “gonad politics.” Even when not choosing between the “lesser of two evils,” I was STILL having to compromise major issues.
Having been an adult person through 8 years of Clinton/Gore and 8 years through Bush/Cheney, I can tell you without a shred of hesitation that I will line up like my ass is on fire to vote for the lesser of two evils because the greater of two evils almost had us all living outside and eating dog food.
And if you think that a Romney presidency won’t be worse than Bush/Cheney, you are out of your mind.
I am fucking begging all of you, please, go vote. Aside from the fact that far more dangerous things are happening on your local level, (like collective bargaining being taken away in Illinois) this shit does matter.
If you think voting for Obama is the lesser of two evils, you’re wrong, it’s the lesser of three because not voting IS voting for Romney. Not voting is voting for dickbag judges that sentence people to jail in counties that have privatized prisons for minor drug infractions. Not voting is voting to remove pensions and collective bargaining and the last shreds of union power from the people. Not voting this election is voting for Feudalism.
Now pardon me, there’s some damn kids on my lawn and they want candy.
Bold emphasis is placed by me.
John Franklin Stephens, Special Olympics athlete